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Go Home Street Sign. You’re Drunk.

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This was Going to be a Facebook Status but I’m so Enraged That Now it’s a Blog.

Mini-me had a little accident the other day. She fell while playing Capture the Flag. Long story short, she was immediately admitted to the Children’s Hospital in our area and had surgery to set the break.

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It’s two days later and she is still in the hospital recovering. We should go home as soon as physical therapy comes by today. Notwithstanding the reason for Mini-Me’s hospitalization, this has been a very pleasant experience. I was already drafting a blog post in my head about the wonderful nurses, CNAs, MDs, and volunteers that have been absolutely fabulous to Mini-Me and me, especially when I was irrational and rude. Everyone is always smiling and forgiving and tolerant.

I stayed both nights with Mini-Me. She’s been able to sleep because she’s on drugs and in a bed. Oh my gosh she snores!

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I slept may be 5 minutes. My “bed” is a pullout chair that I couldn’t figure out how to fully extend the first night. My pillow is flatter than Channing Tatum’s abs and I have bath towels that are larger than the “blankets” they gave me. All this to say that I’m EXHAUSTED and NEED coffee. Thank heavens there’s a Starbucks downstairs.

Just a tad longer and you can have some coffee. You can wait to go until after Mini-Me is settled and the shift change is over so the line won’t be so long. Oh my gosh, I’m so tired. Hang in there, Caroline. Coffee is 6 floors away. You can make it.

Holy snot balls! What the $%?\@ is this?!?!? The freaking Starbucks is CLOSED! What does that frickin’ sign say? Starbucks hours: Open M-F, Closed Saturday & Sunday.

WHAT!?! NO ONE IS EVER IN THE HOSPITAL ON THE WEEKENDS?!? This is a flippin’ teaching hospital, one of the largest in our state. People are everywhere and no one needs coffee because it’s Saturday? I call BS!

THIS. IS. THE. WORST. PLACE. EVER. DON’T EVER COME TO THIS HOSPITAL. THEY ARE CRUEL AND SADDISTIC.

Oh my gosh, this is hell. I’ve died and gone to hell. I’m actually in hell. Coffee is gated behind that stupid sign. I can see it. It’s right there, but I can’t touch it. Can’t taste it. Drugs all around but none for me. I can see them but can’t use them. Everyone asks Mini-Me if she needs anything but I have to fend for myself and am left with no freakin’ Starbucks. Yep. I’m in hell.

My Pants are on the Ground.

I’ve lost just over 30 LBs since last summer. I have yet to buy new clothes that fit me properly.  I don’t want to buy clothes for 2 reasons: 1) I’m still losing weight  2) I HATE shopping for clothes and 3) although I’ve lost the LBs, I’ve only gone down 1 size. Most of the weight is gone from my boobs and my ass.  Why, oh why, couldn’t it be my waist or thighs?  This is messing with my head.

At first, it was not such a big deal to wear my bigger clothes. Sure. I look a bit like the Saggy Baggy Elephant. He’s cute, so my saggy, baggy ass must be cute too. Okay, maybe not as cute.

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Something happened this morning to make me decide it is definitely time to go buy new clothes.  Walking down the hallway past the girls’ rooms, my pants just, well, they fell. Had someone recorded the event, we could win $10,000. My lovely snot-nosed children burst out laughing at me. I love it when they laugh at me. It means they’re not fighting. I don’t love it when they point at me and sing “looking like a fool with your pants on ground!”

Actually, none of this happened.  This was only a vision I had while putting on my pants this morning. It was more of a prophecy than a vision.  This WILL happen.  I DO NOT look like Saggy Baggy Elephant but more like your Grandma.

I’m buying new pants today.