It’s rough being single on Valentine’s Day, but it’s doubly rough being a single parent on Valentine’s. You know you won’t get any Valentine’s gifts except maybe a glitter-and-glue laden, doily cutout, heart covered, chore coupon book from your snot-nosed kid. Of course, you lovingly accept it, knowing good and well, your precious munchkin is not going to do jack squat to fulfill those chores and empty that book. You hug them and kiss them and tell them how happy it makes you to have them as your Valentine. [Excuse me a moment, I just vomited in my mouth a little while typing that.] Undoubtedly you love your kids and you really are grateful to have them but they are NOT what you picture when you think of being someone’s Valentine. They are blissfully unaware that they are the reason you choose NOT to date and have no other options for Valentine’s. How could they comprehend that mommy would rather be doing her sexy dance while putting on make up and getting ready for a hot date with the guy who flirts with her at the gym. He makes mommy feel special, not frumpy or taken for granted. Ah, my sweet children, bless your little ignorant hearts.
So, in honor of all of you SINGLE PARENTS OUT THERE, here’s my Valentine’s gift to you: I’m going to hunt down Cupid and take him out. I’m going to knock him from his fluffy white perch and impale him on his own arrow. Don’t worry though, I’m going to do this behind the shed so the kiddos won’t see the gore. But if you should happen to wander behind the shed, it’ll look like a scene from The Walking Dead. And not just any normal zombie killing scene, it’d be any scene with Darryl. Darryl was just gross and ruthless and sociopathic. You know, perfect for taking out zombies and Cupid.
You’re welcome. HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY!
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