Say Something

Apparently, I live under a rock.  There is a band that is pretty popular yet I just learned of them.  I used to be the one who introduced my friends to cutting edge and new music, but not anymore.  I blame my iPod.  An iPod guarantees commercial-free music – my favorite music.  Why wouldn’t I chose that over the radio?  Anyway, that’s not the point of this post.

Recently, I heard Say Something (ft. Christine Aguilera) by A Great Big World.  I have only heard it twice, yet I woke up at 4:00am this morning singing the harmony to the chorus line.  I just had to find the song and learn all the lyrics.  (It’s times like this that I miss my piano and miss Mini-Me and her guitar).  I found 2 videos on YouTube – one with sand art and one with Christine Aguilera.  The latter captivated me.  The harmonies are so haunting.  I start crying.

It’s 4:00am.

Why in the hell am I sitting in the middle of the living room, curled up in the fetal position, ugly-crying and singing this song, with my dog staring at me as if I have 3 heads?

Then I realize . . . this is closure.

My divorce was July 31 of this year.  It was a strange and long process to finally get to that day.  I was separated for 8 years.  Yes, you read that right.  Eight (8) years.  This post isn’t about blame or anger.  It’s about the death of hope when a marriage ends.  That’s what I hear in this song and it’s what brings me to my knees in realization of who I was while married and who I want to be now.

I blamed my ex-husband for his mistakes in our marriage, but by the time I realized my equally bad mistakes, we were already separated.  Not only was he done with me but he was finding new relationships.  It took 8 years for me to finally say that I’m done too.  During this whole time, all I wanted, was to show my husband how I changed.  All I wanted was a second chance to show him that it could be different for us.  We both made mistakes.  Many of my friends and family told me that his mistakes were bigger and I just needed to move on.  But what most friends did not understand was that my mistakes, although they may be small in comparison, we’re so hurtful to him.  I cut him badly with my mistakes.  They contributed to his acting out.  No, my mistakes that hurt him are not excuses for his choices, but they certainly wounded him deeply.  All I wanted now, was a chance to show him how our life could be better because I’ve changed so much.

 Say something. I’m giving up on you. 

Please hear my contriteness and let’s try again.  Let’s not kill our marriage without one last try.  But you have to take a step towards me.

 I’m sorry that I couldn’t get to you. 

I know the pain I caused.  Oh, how I wish my eyes were open to that years before.  I know that I used my silver-tongue to slice you through.  If I could go back, I would.

 Anywhere I would’ve followed you.

Let’s move somewhere and start over.  Oh, you’re stationed in Fort Lost-in-the-Woods, MI?  Sure, I’ll quit my job and volunteer positions and uproot our kids, if you’ll give our marriage a second chance.

 Say something, I’m giving up on you

I know I’m the one who kicked you out.  I know I’m the one that pushed you in a corner and bruised you.  I know that we’re separated because I made choices that wounded you so deeply, but we’re here now.  Listen to me now.  Hear me now.  Make a move so that we can move forward.  But you have to make a move.  I cannot carry us both.

 *          *          *

That is that.  Hope is now gone.  Regret sets in.  I’ve done all I could to try to restore us.  I’ve offered myself long enough now.  The rejection will stop.  I’ve stepped forward but you have not.  The end.

So, at 4:00am this morning, crying in the fetal position, I grieve the death of my marriage for the first time since the divorce was final.  That’s not really true, I grieve the death of hope.  That’s what hurts so badly.  I always felt the tiniest drop of hope that our marriage could be restored to something beautiful, more beautiful than we could ever imagine.  Now, all that is gone.  Hope is gone.  The door is closed.

Charleston Strong.

I’m so sorry that I have been quiet on social media. Last week, I went on vacation. While away and enjoying my spoiled self, my home faced an atrocity. I just could not share in picture-taking and picture-posting. I couldn’t brag about “Drinking Around The World” in Epcot which my friend and NEWITW fan, Nicole, suggested. I just couldn’t bring myself to share funny thoughts on social media. I could not laugh without being overwhelmed about how blessed I am to be at Disney, yet tremendously grief-stricken for my home.

So for this moment, I’m going to just allow the grief to set in. And pray. I pray for God to bring healing to the families of the victims and their murderer. I pray that Love will overcome and Grace will prevail. I specifically pray for:

Sharonda Coleman-Singleton
Cynthia Hurd
Susie Jackson
Ethel Lance
DePayne Middleton-Doctor
Clementa Pinckney
Tywanza Sanders
Daniel Simmons Sr.
Myra Thompson

Charleston mourns.(photo credit: http://wbtw.images.worldnow.com/images/8112598_G.jpg)

and, I will pray for Dylann Roof.

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I look out over my home in wonderment and veneration. Charleston is showing the world how to respond to evil. In Charleston, and all of South Carolina for that matter, one responds with Love and Grace. You bend your knee and you grab your neighbor’s hand in prayer and you hug strangers.

So for now, I’m going to just love on my neighbors. I’m going to continue praying for God to make me a better human being so that I can help change the world with Love and Grace. That is the least I can do to honor Sharonda, Cynthia, Susie, Ethel, DePayne, Clementa, Tywanza, Daniel and Myra.

charleston+strong

Charleston Strong (To purchase this print, visit: http://worship-artist.com/shop/charleston-strong-print)

Strangers hugging(photo credit: http://www.postandcourier.com/apps/pbcsi.dll/bilde?Site=CP&Date=20150622&Category=PC16&ArtNo=622009998&Ref=PH&Item=46&NewTbl=1&MaxW=640&MaxH=430)

Praying over Ravenel Bridge(photo credit: http://i2.cdn.turner.com/cnnnext/dam/assets/150622181014-unity-march-charleston-0621-super-169.jpg)

And The Winner Is . . .

Thanks to all who submitted pictures for the First Day of School Picture Contest. Just look at all this adorableness! How can I pick just one winner? Also, I know some of you and would hate to be accused of favoritism. The only fair thing to do is simply draw names.

first.day.contest

Without further delay, the winner is . . .

Jen S! 

Check your Facebook, Jen! I sent you a private message with instructions on how to claim your $20 gift card from Penny Jules.

Special honorable mention goes to Nicole S. Her submission is the cat. Sorry Nicole. The only prize is this shout out, and . . .

Penny Jules wants to offer a special 25% off discount to all the contest participants. Expect a private message on Facebook from Heather at Penny Jules. She is sending you a special code to redeem this discount.

For everyone else, you can redeem 20% off at Penny Jules. Just enter “EndofSummer14” at check out. 

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