The Devil’s in the Details . . . and in the Grocery Store.

I’m a Christian. Yep, I admit it. But that’s not what this post is about. It’s about Ms. Gwyn and her beliefs. Ms. Gwyn works at the local Bi-Lo. This story is also about my Facebook fans. At this exact moment, I have 664 Facebook fans. I’m only 2 fans away from the devil’s number: 666. [Cue creepy music.] Since I’m on the cusp of invoking the devil’s number via Facebook fans, I thought it’s a perfect time to share my story about Ms. Gwyn.

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I love coffee, especially at work. My routine is to fix a cuppa joe first thing. Everyday. I sometimes make ice coffee, sometimes piping hot coffee. Sometimes super dark roast. Sometimes medium roast. Regardless of the roast, every cup has a healthy portion of flavored creamer. That’s my vice. I gave up soda, so let me have my flavored creamer. Oh, just get off my back!

I ran out of creamer the other day and abso-flippin-lutely had to stop at the store on my way into work last week. Since I had to stop for creamer, might as well kill two birds with one stone and buy some lunch items and extra ice cube trays to make coffee ice cubes for my ice coffee. But, I had a dilemma. The boss told me the day before that he wanted me to make sure I was at the office by a certain time. He’s a great boss, so I wanted to accommodate. On this day, however, stopping at the store could potentially make me late for work.

On my commute, I prioritized my shopping list to match the store’s layout to minimize any delay in getting to work on time. I stopped at produce first and grabbed the salad fixin’s planned for the day’s lunch. Then I hustled to the household goods aisle because that’s where the ice cube trays would be. Well, one would think. Wait. What? They’re not here. Okay, maybe they’re on the next aisle with the baking trays. No? Okay, maybe with the paper towels? NO?!?! I think to myself, “Self, just go get the creamer and keep your eyes open. Maybe there will be a store clerk on the way and you can ask him/her.” “Self, that’s a great idea. You’re so smart!” “I know. And you’re cute.” “Awe, stop it! You making me blush.”

I grabbed the creamer, but still no ice cube trays and still no store clerk in sight. That meant I had to go to customer service, but there was a long line and the cashier was nowhere to be found. That was when I admitted defeat and accepted that I would be late for work. Finally, the cashier returned. I wish I could’ve seen my facial expression because when she asked who she could help, everyone turned and pointed to me. I was not the first person in line but apparently was the most desperate looking.

The cashier and I walked down the exact same aisles only to find the exact same thing – no ice cube trays. She called the manager who swore that they sold them, but he was wrong. Nope. No ice cube trays. The cashier returned to her register and I got in line behind those already waiting. It’s at this point that another cashier came, Ms. Gwyn.  She called the customer in front of me and me over to her register.

The guy in front of me just got off a night shift at the fire station. It was obvious that he was tired and hungry. He had 2 packages of meat that were BOGO. Ms. Gwyn wouldn’t give him the BOGO. Despite the facts that both meat packages were BOGO, both weighed the same, both were even the same type of meat, sadly, they were different cuts of meat. BOGO only applied to the EXACT. SAME. ITEM. Ms. Gwyn wanted to help him, but she had to follow store policy. Poor guy. I really wanted him to have his meat (so that he could have his pudding) but he put one pack back.

Now it was my turn to meet Ms. Gwyn. She wished me “Gud mornin” in her thick, Gullah accent. “Good mornin,” I replied. She smiled so big that I couldn’t help but smile either. You could tell that her joy runs deep. She completed scanning my order and I barely heard her say, “Oooooh, 666. Dat’s da numba o’ da devil.” She said it so faintly that it did not even register what she said until I saw the total of my groceries on the screen = $6.66.

“Did you just say, ‘666. That’s the number of the devil?'” Ms. Gwyn said, “Uh-huh. Dat’s da beast’s numba.” Her eyes were so big and I could tell she was looking at me as if I were the devil right in front of her. Part of me wanted to tell her that if the stupid grocery store had stupid ice cube trays, my order would not be $6.66, but I didn’t. That wasn’t going to help her. I could tell that she took it as some sort of sign that my order was $6.66. So I did the only thing I could do.

“Ms. Gwyn, would it make you feel better if I rebuke the devil right now?”

“Oh, YES. Please.”

“IN THE NAME OF THE LORD JESUS CHRIST! I REBUKE YOU devil!”

Ms. Gwyn was so glad. Her grin returned and she accosted me with blessings as I left the store.

Yes, I was late for work but it was okay because I was doing the LORD’s work . . at register 3 . . . in the local Bi-Lo.

praying.groceries

This was Going to be a Facebook Status but I’m so Enraged That Now it’s a Blog.

Mini-me had a little accident the other day. She fell while playing Capture the Flag. Long story short, she was immediately admitted to the Children’s Hospital in our area and had surgery to set the break.

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It’s two days later and she is still in the hospital recovering. We should go home as soon as physical therapy comes by today. Notwithstanding the reason for Mini-Me’s hospitalization, this has been a very pleasant experience. I was already drafting a blog post in my head about the wonderful nurses, CNAs, MDs, and volunteers that have been absolutely fabulous to Mini-Me and me, especially when I was irrational and rude. Everyone is always smiling and forgiving and tolerant.

I stayed both nights with Mini-Me. She’s been able to sleep because she’s on drugs and in a bed. Oh my gosh she snores!

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I slept may be 5 minutes. My “bed” is a pullout chair that I couldn’t figure out how to fully extend the first night. My pillow is flatter than Channing Tatum’s abs and I have bath towels that are larger than the “blankets” they gave me. All this to say that I’m EXHAUSTED and NEED coffee. Thank heavens there’s a Starbucks downstairs.

Just a tad longer and you can have some coffee. You can wait to go until after Mini-Me is settled and the shift change is over so the line won’t be so long. Oh my gosh, I’m so tired. Hang in there, Caroline. Coffee is 6 floors away. You can make it.

Holy snot balls! What the $%?\@ is this?!?!? The freaking Starbucks is CLOSED! What does that frickin’ sign say? Starbucks hours: Open M-F, Closed Saturday & Sunday.

WHAT!?! NO ONE IS EVER IN THE HOSPITAL ON THE WEEKENDS?!? This is a flippin’ teaching hospital, one of the largest in our state. People are everywhere and no one needs coffee because it’s Saturday? I call BS!

THIS. IS. THE. WORST. PLACE. EVER. DON’T EVER COME TO THIS HOSPITAL. THEY ARE CRUEL AND SADDISTIC.

Oh my gosh, this is hell. I’ve died and gone to hell. I’m actually in hell. Coffee is gated behind that stupid sign. I can see it. It’s right there, but I can’t touch it. Can’t taste it. Drugs all around but none for me. I can see them but can’t use them. Everyone asks Mini-Me if she needs anything but I have to fend for myself and am left with no freakin’ Starbucks. Yep. I’m in hell.

Tumblr is Grounded.

Dear sweet Weez:

Remember how much fun you had this past quarter? Remember how often you got to ride your longboard? Remember how much time you got to hang out with friends and play on the computer? Remember how excited you were to get your very own cell phone for Christmas? Yeah, I remember these things too.

I found some pictures on your Facebook that encapsulate some of these awesomely fun times.

Here’s a pic of you and Dottie taking selfies on your laptop. So cute!

The Weez & Dottie taking selfies

The Weez & Dottie taking selfies

This is a picture of you sharing a Tumblr posting on Facebook because you liked it. You really enjoy Tumblr don’t you? I can tell because you are always, always on it.

Tumblr on Facebook

Tumblr on Facebook

Here’s another picture of you and your longboard. You had so much fun riding around getting cool shots and then editing the pictures for these cool effects.

The Weez & her longboard with super cool digital effects that require the use of a computer to make.

The Weez & her longboard with super cool digital effects that require the use of a computer to make.

This is another super cool picture you took over Christmas break when we had the freeze. You really are so talented. I know you had a blast sharing your art on all the social media apps you use.

Frozen leaf. Edited with applications that require the use of a computer.

Frozen leaf. Edited with applications that require the use of a computer.

Do you also remember how you set a goal to complete French by Christmas break? Remember how I thought it was such a great idea that I offered to give you $100 if you met your goal? Remember how I did not nag you nor did I ask if your homework was completed before you went out to do some cool activity or hang with friends? Remember how last week I told you that your French teacher emailed me to tell me that not only did you fail to accomplish your goal to complete French by Christmas break but you are now 5% behind?

I’m so glad that you remember all of these things too. Your memories are that you are going to have for the remainder of this quarter if you do not GET OFF TUMBLR and CATCH UP ON YOUR FRENCH!!  Yes, that’s right! I see that you are at school NOT doing your French but filling up your Tumblr newsfeed. I see it all, babe. Don’t forget, I’m the mom. I know everything.

Here are a few things that you will be without if you do not heed this one and only warning.

Bye-bye laptop.

Bye-bye laptop.

Bye-bye longboard.

Bye-bye longboard.

Bye-bye cellphone.

Bye-bye cellphone.

I do all of this, not to be mean, but because I love you. Really, this hurts me more than it hurts you.

xoxo,
Mom