Interior Design and Mommy Blogs.

The Blog University posted a pretty ironic picture on Facebook the other day. No one seemed to have caught on. Or maybe they did. Yet, no one commented so I can only speculate. Regardless, my first thought was not about the irony in the picture but of interior design. Yes, I said interior design.photo 2 (1)

My firm moved to a new location a year ago. The Southern Adventuress is the other paralegal in the office. She has an amazing knack for interior design. Naturally, she was in charge of decorating the new office. I think she did pretty well. In fact, she’s so good at it, she blogs about it. You can find the Southern Adventuress and examples of her work at http://southernadventuress.com.

My favorite thing she did for the firm was to refurbish a pair of chairs for my office. I LOVE THEM! She covered the chairs with muslin fabric, then painted a green undercoat, next an orange top coat and finally sanded them so specks of the green peeked through. These colors were chosen to match a pair of paintings that Mini-Me and I did at Wine & Design. Colorful chairs and nice paintings to boot! My office is so pretty.

My office chairsWell, bless her heart, one of Southern Adventuress’ final touches was to fill the bookshelf in the reception area. Bossman and I blankly stared at the bookshelf when she announced that her work was done. I awkwardly state, “Um, that’s nice?” Bossman lacks the filter I do and flat out asks, “how is anyone going to know what books are in there?” Southern Adventuress responds that she read a design magazine that said it’s more pleasing to the eye to have books all the same color. One could turn the books inward to hide the multi-color spines and avoid distraction. To this day, the bookshelves remain as-is, even though Southern Adventuress is on maternity leave for over a month. I didn’t get it then and am still not convinced it works for our bookshelf. So sorry Southern Adventuress. I still love you.

IMAG1406

So, when Blog University posted the first pic above, all I could think was of interior design. My next thought was how could Barnes & Noble sell any books if they put design above function? That’s when I got the joke.

I hope to get a lot more jokes and learn how to be a better blogger when I #getschooled at #BlogU14. I guess you can come too if you really want. I’m sure it’s going to be super boring and there won’t be anything fun to do. I’m sure of it. So don’t go to their website and sign up for the conference. NO! DON’T DO IT!

Why don’t you ever listen? You’re just like my kids.

Post Script:
Since the Southern Adventuress informed Bossman and me of our lack of interior design knowledge, I did find several helpful articles that discuss the pros and cons of uniformity in design. Here are the links:

http://maisondecor8.blogspot.com/2011/02/designer-idea-for-quiet-bookshelves.html

http://www.apartmenttherapy.com/inspiration-books-turned-in-92390

http://www.renounednest.com/2012/01/simplified-bookcase-turning-my-books.html

Arlo Guthrie, Will You be my Valentine?

arlo.collage.2It’s nearly Happy Single’s Awareness Day! I can’t wait. Ok, fine. My genuineness might be in question. I hate Valentine’s Day since I ain’t got nobody. But this year, I have a date. I get to spend Valentine’s Day with my Daddio and moody 17 year old daughter. Yay! My dad is dragging Mini-Me and me to an Arlo Guthrie concert. Actually, I’ll enjoy it, so it’s Mini-Me who might be the one kicking and screaming.

Alice’s Restaurant” and “The Motorcycle Song” are brilliant! Why doesn’t Mini-Me like Arlo? Have you listened to his songs, kid? Mini-Me won’t give peace a chance. She is convinced she is going to have the worst night in her life.

My Valentine’s date, Daddio (who is going to share all his stories of growing up as a hippy despite becoming an adult at the very end of the hippy era, but he “is a hippy, dammit”), is delusional that a moody 17 year old teenager is looking forward to this concert. And I get to watch grumpy and sulking Mini-Me roll her eyes and then needle me because Granddad’s “all weird and stuff. Why does he have to always talk about history?! Geez, Mom! Why do I have to listen to it?!? It stresses me out!” Yep, it’s going to be a grand ole time. 

Ok. Whatevs. This is not about you Mini-Me. Back to what I was saying . . .

Truly, Arlo Guthrie is an inspiration to me. I believe his music is the wellspring for my sense of humor. Have you listened to his songs? Sorry, already asked that. You hear one of his songs and you know there’s a kernel of truth but you also know it’s a big, fat, whopper of a lie. Yep, I totes relate to that.

I’m a fantastic storyteller, like Arlo. Right y’all? Seriously, answer me. I’M A FANTASTIC STORYTELLER, RIGHT!?! But, my stories might be exaggerated. Slightly. Okay, a whole frickin’ bunch. Why would anyone want to listen to a story unless it’s been edited to entice a deep belly laugh for all to share? Unless you’re Arlo Guthrie, of course.

I mean, if my blog is ever converted to a book, I think it’d have to be fiction. I’d hate to have a nonfiction bestseller that ends up on Oprah’s Book Club and then she’d interview me and then my book would sell 10 bazillion more copies and then someone (I’m sure it’d be my kids because we all know they’re snots) would spill the beans and tell the world that my book is only partly true and is mostly lies and embellishments to make me look better and then I’d be disgraced on all the talk shows but after a few months Oprah would interview me again and tell me how much she loves me but is disappointed but it’s still a good book but I owe her an apology. I’M SORRY OPRAH! I am so, so, sorry Oprah and then she’d hug me. Move over Gayle! I’m Oprah’s new BFF.

Yes, everything I write is true, but it’s twisted ever so slightly, like Arlo. Why can’t I rewrite my family history so that is slightly more exciting than it actually is? Is this wrong? We’re all crazy. I mean really. My entire family is C-R-A-Z-Y, cra-cra-crazy. At least if I add humor, all y’all (yes that’s a perfectly acceptable Southern colloquialism so get over it) might think my story is not true because if it were true, you’d think “Lord, I pray for this person and her family. They are in serious need of your divine intervention. They probably all need to be locked up somewhere. Please, sweet baby Jesus, keep this family far away from me!”

Anyway . . .

Daddio says Arlo’s music is political commentary denouncing “the establishment” in a highly charged point in American history. I just think Arlo is über smart and funny and simply wants to make people laugh. Sure he might be making a political statement but I think that’s just a surprising side benefit. I think Arlo just wants to amuse himself and anyone else who’ll listen to him. Daddio has yet to hear my thoughts on Arlo other than I really like his music. I’m sure I’ll be told that I’m too young to appreciate the 60s and I’m just an ignorant kid despite being nearly 40. Well, I was born in the 70s so maybe he’s right, or will be right, if he actually does say this. I don’t like it when he’s right so I’ll probably pout and sulk like the teenager. Then Daddio will feel perturbed and make a back-handed comment that will make me madder and Mini-Me will join in because she likes ganging up on mom. I’ll then ground her and then Daddio will ground me for being unreasonable with Mini-me. And the cycle continues.

It’s going to be a great Valentine’s date. Yep. It sure is.

I know you wish you were my Valentine’s date. Please contain your jealously. Really, it makes you look desperate and it’s annoying me.

Straighten Up and Fly Right.

To get the most out of this blog, follow these rules.  Ok, they’re not rules, per se, but they are guidelines to yield the most enjoyable experience during your visit.

1.  Accept that this blog is all about me.  I’m freakin’ funny and cool and am oozing all-around-awesomeness.  Albeit, there are 2 or 3 people in this world that may not agree (namely, my kids and parents and siblings and high-school teachers and the public at large).  That’s fine if I’m not your cuppa tea.  I would love to hear your comments and suggestions but I ask that you be respectful above all.  I just won’t listen if you’re belligerent.  I’m belligerent enough for the both of us and am not accepting applications to fill this position.

2.  This is a self-deprecating, tongue -in-cheek, humor, mommy blog.  Most of the blog entries have one teensy-weensy kernel of truth, but all are gravely over-exaggerated.  If you choose to believe every word as fact, then I thank you for the power you have given me and accept this burden as your Queen.

3.  Comment, like, tweet, discuss at the water cooler, share my stories in your Christmas letter and nag the publishing companies to follow my blog.  I want to write a book because the entire world should have a chance to laugh at me.  I’d like to make the world better.  That Coke commercial when I was a kid, made a lasting impression.  SIDE NOTE: I don’t drink soda anymore and this is NOT to be confused as an endorsement of Coca-Cola but enjoy the video.

4.  I think I’m supposed to say something about copyrighting.  I have yet to pay the retainer for my infringement attorney, but that’s fine too.  My day job is as a paralegal.  If you use/share/tweet/write about my stuff, then give creds, bro.  If not, then I’ll sick all the attorneys in my Rolodex on you.  NO LIE.  Fine, that is a lie.  I don’t have a Rolodex, but I have a huge-a** Outlook Contact Manager.  So there.

5.  I don’t know yet, but I’m sure this list will have additions as I gain more experience in offending the world.

STAYED TUNED.