Tumblr is Grounded.

Dear sweet Weez:

Remember how much fun you had this past quarter? Remember how often you got to ride your longboard? Remember how much time you got to hang out with friends and play on the computer? Remember how excited you were to get your very own cell phone for Christmas? Yeah, I remember these things too.

I found some pictures on your Facebook that encapsulate some of these awesomely fun times.

Here’s a pic of you and Dottie taking selfies on your laptop. So cute!

The Weez & Dottie taking selfies

The Weez & Dottie taking selfies

This is a picture of you sharing a Tumblr posting on Facebook because you liked it. You really enjoy Tumblr don’t you? I can tell because you are always, always on it.

Tumblr on Facebook

Tumblr on Facebook

Here’s another picture of you and your longboard. You had so much fun riding around getting cool shots and then editing the pictures for these cool effects.

The Weez & her longboard with super cool digital effects that require the use of a computer to make.

The Weez & her longboard with super cool digital effects that require the use of a computer to make.

This is another super cool picture you took over Christmas break when we had the freeze. You really are so talented. I know you had a blast sharing your art on all the social media apps you use.

Frozen leaf. Edited with applications that require the use of a computer.

Frozen leaf. Edited with applications that require the use of a computer.

Do you also remember how you set a goal to complete French by Christmas break? Remember how I thought it was such a great idea that I offered to give you $100 if you met your goal? Remember how I did not nag you nor did I ask if your homework was completed before you went out to do some cool activity or hang with friends? Remember how last week I told you that your French teacher emailed me to tell me that not only did you fail to accomplish your goal to complete French by Christmas break but you are now 5% behind?

I’m so glad that you remember all of these things too. Your memories are that you are going to have for the remainder of this quarter if you do not GET OFF TUMBLR and CATCH UP ON YOUR FRENCH!!  Yes, that’s right! I see that you are at school NOT doing your French but filling up your Tumblr newsfeed. I see it all, babe. Don’t forget, I’m the mom. I know everything.

Here are a few things that you will be without if you do not heed this one and only warning.

Bye-bye laptop.

Bye-bye laptop.

Bye-bye longboard.

Bye-bye longboard.

Bye-bye cellphone.

Bye-bye cellphone.

I do all of this, not to be mean, but because I love you. Really, this hurts me more than it hurts you.

xoxo,
Mom

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When Teenagers are Left Unsupervised.

You’d think I’d know better by now. Nope. Totally left Mini-Me alone with my brand new iPad and she changes my wallpaper to a selfie. As I scrolled through the pictures, I notice The Weez joined in. They know I’ll post their pics to FaceBox when they pull crap like this and yet, they do this anyway. Did I mention my teens are snots? So, they want this. Enjoy, y’all.

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Insane in the Mom Brain and Lucy.

Insane in the Mom Brain is a freaking hilarious blog by Patricia Ford. Every single day, I stalk Patti on Facebook, check her blog for new posts and am currently in the throws of a severe internal debate on whether or not I should join Pinterest just so I’d have another venue in which to keep tabs on her. I don’t want to join Pinterest because I have enough electronic balls in the air. Wait. What? You know what I mean. Anyway, I admit that I might have a slight problem and if I should ever go to Texas (where Patti lives), I’m going to find her and hug her and pet her and hold her hand and name her George.

Looney Tunes Abonimable Snowman

The other day, Patti posted on Facebook a picture of this statue.

Lucy the Statue

You have to go to her Facebook and read what she said about it. I’ll wait. Go on, it’ll just take a moment. Really, I insist so just do it now.

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Oh good, you’re back. Took you long enough. GEEZ! Did you read any of the comments? I did. I think the comments are sometimes better than the post, sorry Patti (if you read this). Anyway, I noticed that a lot of the comments begged the question, “Where would you put that thing in your home?” I got to thinking. I promise that it didn’t hurt. I know exactly what I’d do with it. Actually, now I really want to buy it just so I could do these things and then take pictures and write about it and have a good belly laugh that adds years back to my life. So there you have it. My kids need me. I am now obligated to buy it and put it my house and plan all these wonderful scenarios and document it just so I can live longer. I should probably increase the budget for the therapist while I’m at it.

Caroline’s Top 5 Places to Display Lucy

5.  The back of the Mini-Me’s closet where she hides the clothes that she KNOWS I won’t let her wear but she sneaks out wearing anyway.

4.  In the driver’s seat of the car. Just let the teenagers try to sneak out at night and steal the car with Lucy staring blankly at them through the car window. HA! Do kids do that anymore these days? Mini-Me sneaked out only one time when she was 13 – over 4 years ago. I honestly think that was the ONLY time any of my children sneaked out. How could we be this deep in the teenage drama years and not have had another sneaking out episode? I was the queen of sneaking out and sneaked out religiously. Either my kids have accepted my super—ninja—mom skills or I’m delusional.

3.  In the freezer. Lucy would be great cover for my Publix brand Chocolate Trinity Ice Cream. Yeah, then I don’t have to share. My kids don’t need all those calories anyway. What? I’m just looking out for their best interests.

2.  Guarding the unwrapped Christmas/birthday presents that are stashed in my secret hiding spot. You know, to scare the sh*t out of those obnoxious leeches that keep snooping and causing me to move the damn presents so many times that by the time I’m ready to wrap them, I’ve forgotten where they’re hidden.

1.  I’d take an 8×10 picture of Lucy and hang it inside my medicine cabinet so when guests come over and start snooping through my things, they’d then have a legitimate reason to be in the poop room bathroom. I probably should also place an extra pair of pants next to the hand towels. Then the rude, prying, guest would have to explain to the rest of the dinner party why they are now wearing fluffy, teddy bear pajama pants. But all the other guests who were well-behaved would already know what happened because I would’ve explained it when we all would’ve heard the snoopy guest scream from their fright. Of course, she/he would lie about what really happened – something like the sink faucet broke and soaked him/her and he/she saw my pajama pants out on the bed so they just used those. WHATEVER. We all know what you did you snoopy fibber!

Oh, good times. Good times. Yes, I must buy that statue. And meet Patti in person. And become her BFF. And call her George.

Look What I Made for You, Patti.